Fight Club
by sesshomarousecretlove
Summary: Two normal men by the name of Kakashi and Iruka meet by chance... things happen, and they start a fight club. Wait. Is Kakashi a murderer? oh no... [no pairings yet, in progress.] rating may change...?
1. kakashi did what

---- PROLOGUE ----

"Welcome… to _Fight Club."_ All the men there, old and new, took a small, almost hesitant step back. A lithe man, well built and muscular, with a scar across his nose and a knowing smirk, jumped the last step into the underground basement. Skittering rats and dripping water went unnoticed as the man walked in front of the small group and slowly smiled.

"For those of you who are new, let me… _hip_ you to the rules and names. My name is Iruka," The man newly introduced as Iruka gestured to another man still in the wings, "and this is my colleague, Kakashi." Kakashi jumped down, sticking to the shadows. A high, almost girly voice echoed from the corner.

"Rule one: Tell _no one_ about fight club." Kakashi said, and walked out of the shadows. He was built similarly to Iruka, except maybe a bit brawnier. He had pre-mature silver hair and a scar over one eye. Oddly, the scarred eye's pupil was red. The rest of his face was discreetly covered with some sort of mask, giving him a mischievous look.

"Rule two: Tell no one about fight club." Iruka repeated, his smile growing into a grin, "Rule three: all newbie's have to fight. No exceptions."

"Rule four: you fight until one or both of you say stop. Then you stop, and next group goes in. Remember, you can leave at any time." Kakashi said, he was surprisingly quiet for such a tall man. "Now, who here is new?"

Two guys stepped forward, one with astonishingly gold hair and scars on his cheeks, the other with mousy brown locks and red tattoos adorning his.

"Kiba Inuzuka."

"Naruto Uzumaki."

Kakashi laughed, it sounded oddly like a giggle. "Welcome. Tell me, what are your real jobs?"

"I sell car insurance." Kiba offered, and Naruto hesitated, glancing at Iruka.

"I'm… I'm a teacher's aide." Iruka raised an eyebrow in recognition, but the silver haired man interrupted him before he could say anything.

"Well, then. Naruto, how 'bout you fight Sasuke, and Kiba, Shino. Who wants to go first?" Both guys shrugged and took a step forward. Kakashi laughed again.

"Now, now. You'll all get your turn. How about… Naruto goes first." Kakashi offered, and Naruto grinned.

"Sure!"

"Yo! Sasuke! Come on up here!" A tall guy with black hair and matching eyes stepped forward. He had the look of an emo at gym practice. Long, black, silky sweatpants hung low, but tight, on his hips, and he had a long, slim, black tank top on.

"Hn? Fighting another dead last?" he said, and smirked. Apparently the blonde didn't take to well to insults, and he stomped up to the raven.

"I'll whoop your ass, believe it!"

"Oh really? You can't even use proper grammar." Of course, there was bound to be a fight, but nobody expected Sasuke to initiate it.

The blonde staggered back, bleeding from the lip. With a muted scream of "Bastard!" he charged the raven, orange shorts and black t-shirt billowing behind him as he charged.

Iruka watched the proceedings with mild interest. Who'd of thought Naruto Uzumaki, teacher's aid, pretty boy, and self proclaimed Future-Principle of Konoha High, would join a club like this?

He shrugged a bit to himself. Everybody had their reasons.

The fight lasted a good deal longer than everyone thought, and when the fight finally ended, both boys came out bruised, bloodied, and victorious. Turned out, they both (grudgingly) ended up yelling stop at the same time.

When Kiba and Shino fought, it was relatively short, and although Kiba lost, they both came out with a grin.

After that, Kakashi fought Itachi, Sasuke's brother, and highly gay femme-phobe. Iruka almost laughed when he saw Itachi make a grab for his friend's pants and saw the poor silver haired guy almost hit a pole trying to dodge it.

The fighting went on well into the night, and when they finally stopped, everybody was injured to some extent, but oddly ecstatic.

That was the whole point of fight club. Guys fighting off their aggression so that they wouldn't end up becoming mass murderers and kill the whole city.

"Hey," Kakashi called to Iruka, "Wait up." Iruka complied, and soon they were walking down the street to Kakashi's house. It was quite a walk, but they went down it twice a day and were used to it.

Slowly, the bright edge of the city gave way to that part of town that is neither suburb nor downtown, where the dredges of society make their stead. Both men walked up the steps of an old, dilapidated mansion, and, after a short moment of jiggling the door open, walked inside.

The inside was as bad as the out, and Iruka took a moment to let his nose get used to the rancid air, and his eyes used to the dim light (which shouldn't be there, it was the middle of the night and no lights are on).

Looking pointedly away from the mold festering in the corners of the foyer, he made his way into the kitchen, dodging random porn magazines and film slides, where the phone was ringing.

He hesitated before answering, what was he going to say? 'Hello, this is Iruka. I live- well, technically I'm squatting- in a mansion on the lower west side, and I just happened to hear the phone ring on my way in from my fight club.'

Snorting softly, he answered the phone.

"Hello? This is Iruka."

"Good day. My name is Police Officer Temari, of the ninth precinct. I'm sorry about calling at this time, it must be late, but we have made an important discovery. Do you remember me?"

"Hai!"

"Good. We may have found who blew up your… condo, I believe it is?"

"That's wonderfu- somebody blew it up?"

"Yes, sir. It seems they used some sort of organic fire, possibly an explosive… tag? I'm sorry; there must be a typo on the paper… sir?"

"Did you just say explosive tags?"

"Yes, well, I'm sorry sir, there must be some sort of mistake, and I'll get a detective on it right away."

"Yeah… you… you do that, okay? And… and call me back."

"Will do, sir! Good day- err, night."

Iruka hung up the phone and collapsed into a chair in shock. Leaning over, he ran his hands over his face, trying to get his bearings.

His condo exploding was not an accident. Somebody had set it on purpose! But the only person who had anything that sounded remotely like exploding tags was-

Oh. My. God.

Kakashi blew up his condo. The man tried to kill him.

Iruka jerked up in his chair, frantically looking to the door. A person blocked the light in the doorway, casting his whole body into shadow.

"Kakashi…"

---End Prologue---

* * *

dun Dun DUN! eek! whats gonna happen to my Dolphy-chan! oh no... 

soo... how do you like? should i go on? its based off the movie Fight Club, but its not really going to follow the movieline(?) so yeah...

..lol... hip you to the rules... thats like the worst line in the history of man...

man, I love gay Kakashi, but i couldn't resist making him run away from Itachi. (not that I would run, quite the opposite, XD)

ah, you gotta love evil kakashi and iruka... COMMENT!

oh yeah, tell me if you want pairings, and which ones... (crosses her fingers hoping you'll say half yaoi half het)


	2. orochimaru is one sexy bummer

**Fight Club**

**Chapter One**

"And they call me Michael Jackson just because I like little boys!" The man sobbed, shoving Iruka's face into his chest, forcing the poor school teacher to get a nice deep whif of his numerous bodily excretions.

"Uh... that's not very nice, Mr. Orochimaru, I mean you're not _rea_-"

"Oh, shut up you sexy dolphin and hug me!" he simpered, shoving Iruka back into his neck and ignoring the visible shudder that went through the body crushed against him. "Never have I felt this alive before! Thank you, my dear, dear... _child._"

"... _mmph_?" That was Irukas cue to start wriggling a bit harder, although it had little to no effect on the strong guy.

"Anyway, it all started when I met this kid, what was his name, Kabuto? Something like that..."

Giving up on escaping, and tuning out the oddly pale man's complaints, body odor, and the way his disgusting long black hair got into his nose when he inhaled, Iruka wondered how he had gotten here.

* * *

---flashback---

* * *

"Now what is the problem, Iruka-san?" The doctor glanced at her papers, squinting slightly, "There isn't anything obvious here..."

"I feel depressed," answered Iruka in a vaguely worried monotone, "really, _really, _depressed."

"Ah." sighing, the pink-haired woman sat down on a little stool next to Iruka, who was sitting in his schoolteacher uniform watching the white wall opposite them aimlessly. Obviously bored, she flipped through the two or three pages of his health analysis, before sighing again. "Look. You aren't depressed or anything like that. You just..." she shrugged a bit, smiling wanly, "Aren't in an _optimistic_ stage of life. You're probably bottling up some emotions, not getting enough sleep, things like that."

"But, I feel depressed." repeated Iruka, looking a bit bored, and still worried.

"Don't worry about it." She stood up before he could protest further, and walked out. Right before she exited the door, she paused to add, "You should stop by the lutheran church. Now there are some messed up and depressed people. I hear they take classes, talk about their various problems, stuff like that."

* * *

---end flashback---

* * *

The man's tears were starting to soak deep into his hair, making his scalp itchy, and Iruka half-heartedly tried to remove his head from the vice-like grip. Instead, Mr. Orochimaru pulled him closer to his face, dry scabby skin slicking against his considerably softer epidermis, and Iruka winced.

"There... there...," gasped Iruka, trying not to breath in, "let it... all out."

"Okay..." The man continued sobbing, and Iruka knew he'd be here for a while.

He was going to kill Sakura. Stupid doctor.

-

When he finally detached himself from the man he'd so cleverly compared to a snake, everybody in the room sat down, and waited patiently for the teacher. She was having trouble seperating what looked to be a father-son duo who were hugging each other furiously, and crying out, 'We will be youthful! We will be youthful!' over and over again.

When they finally sat down, and everybody in the room had calmed a bit, the teacher stood up.

"Welcome to session 3 of our course, '_Dealing with these wierd feelings'._ In this class, we will be helping you get through your troubles having to do with incestous or molestous desires you hold deep in your heart. We are here to help you _accept_ these feelings, not push them down inside of you. Don't bottle up, people. Remember, acceptance is the first step to vanquishing these thoughts." The woman, Mrs. Kurenai, went on like this for several minutes, flicking her messy black hair back, and Iruka wondered why whe wore so much make-up. She wore even more than Mr. Orochimaru did, and that was a lot.

"Now. We have two new people here today! Mr. Umino, please stand up and tell us a little about yourself. Remember, there's no cure without acceptance!" Mr. Orochimaru did a little cheer and winked saucily at Iruka. Iruka shuddered a little bit before standing up.

"Hi-"

"Hi!" Two men dressed in green screamed back at Iruka. Iruka blinked at them.

"My name is Iruka. I'm a teacher-"

"Cool!" The exact same two men screamed again, and Iruka recognized them from earlier in the class.

"I'm new, and-"

"We're not new. Weeee'reeee YOUTHFUL! High five!" They screamed, high fiving each other and falling out of their chairs with youthfulness.

"Uh... andI'mgladtomeetyousoyeahandI'mgonnasitdownnow." Iruka finished as quickly as possible, slamming his butt back into his seat at mach 2. Mrs.Kurenai clapped politely, while Mr. Orochimaru cheered and the two men in green ran over to hug Iruka.

"My name is Lee!" said the slightly shorter green guy.

"And mine is Gai! But you may call me Gai-sensei! High-five!" the tall green man yelled happily, and both of them tried to simultaneously high-five poor disoriented Iruka.

"Alright, that's enough. Gai, Lee, please sit down so we can go on with the meeting. And now for our other new person! Please stand up, Mrs...?" Kurenai asked politely, turning her head to a woman sitting in a chair in the corner, taking a huff out of a cigarette.

"My name is Tsuande." Tsunade snarled, not standing up, "Hi."

"Hi! My name is Lee! Would you like a flower, pretty lady?"

"You know where you can stick that flower? You can put right up your youthful little-"

"Now, now, Mrs. Tsunade. Please tell me, Iruka, Tsunade. Why are you here?" Kurenai asked, putting on a gentle smile and nodding slightly towards Iruka.

"Well, I..," Iruka was considering telling them that he was just here as a guest, but something about this class was... well, _interesting_, to say the least, and since he was on summer vacation, he might as well try something new. "I like little boys. Especially blonde ones." Pretending he couldn't hear the squeal that came out of the snake-dude across the room, Iruka turned his head expectantly to Tsunade. She took a long drag, almost contemplative, before saying simply, "Me too."

Everyone in the room blinked.

"You too what?" Kurenai pressed gently.

"Me too. I like little blonde boys too." Tsunade sighed, as if simply saying the sentence was a waste of her precious time. Iruka was in no position to be judging people, (based on his own circumstances) but he was sure this lady was lying. The only good thing about the whole affair was that Orochimarus attention wavered from Irukas body to give the new girl a once over. Iruka took the moment to do the same.

Tsunade looked like those ladies you see in bowflex commercials, all muscle and sinew. Iruka half expected her to be glistening with sweat, like you see in the movies. She had long blonde hair, separated into pigtails, and she wore no makeup. She wore pajama pants decorated with a leaf pattern, and a brown shirt. She was sitting sprawled in her chair, and because the length of her legs pulled up the edges of her pants, Iruka saw she was wearing a pair of grimy brown vans.

"What the hell are you staring at? I thought you were into little blonde boys." Tsunade practically yelled, and Orochimarus gaze snapped back to Iruka, the normally hazy beady eyes becoming scrutinizing. After a moment of scrutiny, Orochimaru noticed Iruka staring at him, and the snake-guy blew him a kiss.

Iruka just shuddered.

* * *

that was wierd.

I got the high five thing from my P.E. class. Me and my friend were pretending to be gai-sensei and lee, and whenever anything happens, we'd scream 'high five!' really really loud, and high five each other. it was a hyper thing. don ask.

any way, the prologue was a glimpse into the future! so, you won't know what happens until i get to that chappie! sux to be u dont it: D

lol i love tsunade. sont know why, i just do!

review, please! any questions? I wasn't being very clear on this chapter, its late where I am, adn I suddenly started writing like an hour ago and didn't stop.. now im schleepy...


End file.
